Three years ago, on a trip to England, I happened to come across the last, lost play written by William Shakespeare, the immortal Bard of Avon. Apparently, it had been stolen by his bitter, unknown son, Freddy Shakespeare, the Bastard of Avon.

The play is called, Grae’s Anatomie, a drama based on the book of the same name. I found the play propping up a short table leg in a pub once owned by Francis Bacon. I took it home with me and tried to read it. As there were no Cliff Notes for this unknown play, I couldn’t make heads or tails out of it. I leant it to a Hollywood friend of mine who also claimed not to understand it. She does not return my calls.

Published here, for the first time, is the play. I had to do a little editing. As you know, Shakespeare had the annoying habit of substituting f’s for s’s. (It might have been a defective typewriter.) I had to change all those f’s back to s’s - there is a reference to suckling pig in the third act.

Here, then, is the lost Shakespeare play. Enjoy!

The Tragedie of Grae’s Anatomie

Scene 1:
Outside the E.R. of the Venice Medical Center

Antonio:
What ho, Dr. Bassanio! What news on the Rialto?

Bassanio:
I wouldst meet with mine paramour Portia!

Antonio:
Of what stature is she?

Bassanio:
Just as high as my heart!

Antonio:
She’s a midget?

Bassanio:
Forsooth, alack-a-day, and ding-dong bell! They are bringing Othello into yon emergencie room!

Othello:
Ouch! I know not what bedevils me! Gosh-a-rootie! (Hiccups.)

Scene 2:
Later, in Othello’s hospital room. Nurse Juliet Capulet, who is sleeping with Dr. Romeo Montague, brings in a supper tray.

Nurse Juliet:
Yon supper looks delicious!

Patient Othello:
Is yon hospital food as bad as they say?

Nurse Juliet:
What soup have ye?

Patient Othello (lifting tray cover):
Fillet of a fenny snake,
In the cauldron boil and bake.

Nurse Juliet:
Prithee, sup! What’s the main repast?

Patient Othello (holding his nose):
Eye of newt, and toe of frog,
Wool of bat, and tongue of dog!

Nurse Juliet:
What’s in yon Jell-O, anon?

Patient Othello (gagging):
Adder’s fork, and blind-worm’s sting,
Lizard’s leg, and howlet’s wing! (Hiccups.)

Nurse Juliet:
No crackers, graham?

Patient Othello:
Suddenly, I’m not hungry. Couldst thou comb my hair, nurse? I’ve got a hernia in me elbow.

Nurse Juliet:
Parting is such sweet sorrow!

Dr. Hamlet Prince (an urologist) (enters, right):
Nurse, let me see what yon Patient Othello has for desert!

Nurse Juliet (removing top from desert plate):
See?

Dr. Hamlet:
How now? A rat? Dead, for a ducat, dead!

Nurse Juliet:
Ah!

Dr. Hamlet:
Nurse! Page Dr. Montague!

Nurse Juliet (Calling at window):
O, Romeo! Romeo! Wherefore art thou, Romeo?

Scene 3:
By accident, Othello is sent to the office of Dr. Richard King, the veterinarian. He’s sleeping with Dr. Anne Neville, and he’s also worried about not having enough animal patients.

Dr. Richard King:
A horse, a horse! My kingdom for a horse!

(Enter his associates, Dr. Petruchio and Dr. Katherina, who are trying not to sleep with each other.)

Dr. Katherina:
Asses are made to bear, and so are you.

Dr. Petruchio:
Art thou mooning me? O, slow-winged turtle! Shall a buzzard take thee?

Dr. Richard King:
Asses? Bears? Turtles? Buzzards? Bring on the patients!

Patient Othello:
(Hiccups.)

Nurse Juliet:
Paging Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard!

Scene 4:
Othello is sent to the operating room. Young Dr. Portia Belmont, who’s been sleeping with Dr. Bassanio and who wants to be a surgeon, is about to begin her first operation.

Dr. Portia:
Where art my surgical team? Sound off with thy name and specialty!

First Doctor:
Ben Morrow; bone marrow!

Second Doctor:
Anastasia; anesthesia!

Third Doctor:
Peter Ajax; pediatrics!

Fourth Doctor:
Castro Andrew Mallory; gastro-enterology!

Dr. Portia:
Where art the chiropractors?

Nurse Juliet:
At choir practice!

Patient Othello:
Are – are thou sure thou knowest what thou art doing, Doctor? (Hiccups.)

Dr. Portia:
Pray tell me, where is fancy bred,
Nor in the heart, nor in the head.

Patient Othello:
Dost thou not knowest where to operate?

(She sticks the scalpel in his ear.)

Patient Othello:
This is the most unkindest cut of all! (Hiccups.)

Nurse Juliet:
Paging Dr. Melonhead! Mr. Lou Costello is here!

Scene 5:
After the operation Othello is sent to Dr. Mark Anthony, head nutritionist who is sleeping with Nurse Cleopatra Egypt. He addresses a group of young doctors who are sleeping with each other and are interested in Othello’s case.

Dr. Mark Anthony:
Friends, Romans, countrymen; lend me your ears of corn;
I come to put berries on my Caesar salad, not praise the raisins.
Where are the croutons; et two, Brutus?
The drivel that men do lives after them; history and pastrami repeats itself.
The good is oft interred with their bones and wrapped in foil and put in the fridge ‘til Tuesday night.
At any rate, they still have to pay my bill!
Which is due next month, so beware the Ides of March!

Patient Othello:
(Hiccups.)

Nurse Juliet:
Paging Dr. Hackenbush!

Scene 6:
Othello is then sent to the lab. Dr. Lainie Macbeth, dermatologist, is trying to remove a mole from Othello.

Dr. Lainie Macbeth:
Out, damned spot!

(Enter the Three Witches)

Dr. Lainie Macbeth:
By what name art thou called?

First Witch:
Witch!

Dr. Lainie Macbeth:
Which? Why any of you!

Second Witch:
We are weird sisters!

Dr. Lainie Macbeth:
Sisters! Forsooth: Art thou a nun?

Third Witch:
None? No! We are three!

Dr. Lainie Macbeth:
Which?

First Witch:
Yes! All three! None are a nun!

Dr. Lainie Macbeth:
Get thee to a nunnery, go!

Patient Othello:
(Hiccups.)

Scene 7:
Othello is having trouble urinating, and so ends up in the office of urologist Dr. Hamlet Prince. Dr. Hamlet discovers what is wrong with Othello and calls in Dr. Antonio, Dr. Bassanio, Nurse Juliet, Dr. Richard King, Dr. Katherina, Dr. Petruchio, Dr. Portia, Dr. Mark Anthony, Dr. Lainie Macbeth, The Three Witches, Dr. Hackenbush, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Melonhead, and Nurse Ophelia. He wants them all there for the dramatic diagnosis.

Dr. Hamlet:
To pee, or not to pee; that is the question:
Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The jugs and bedpans of outrageous portions,
Or to take arms against a sea of catheters,
And by opposing end them; today, to seep no more.

Nurse Ophelia:
What wilst thou do?

Dr. Hamlet Prince:
To snip, or not to snip; that is the decision:
To clip or not to clip; that is the circumcision:
The heart-burn and the thousand natural dirty socks
Those socks are mohair, too, ‘tis a consumption
Devoutly to be washed. Today to dry; where’s the vapo-rub?

Nurse Ophelia:
When we have shuffled off to Buffalo
The patient Othello merit of unworthy tongue depressors;
Say, ‘AHH!’ Soft you now! The patient Othello belches! 
Smell that? Halitosis!

Dr. Hamlet:
Something is rotten in the state of Denmark!

The Three Witches:
Fair is foul, and foul is fair:
Hover through the fog and filthy air.

Dr. Macbeth:
So foul and fair a day I have not seen.

Nurse Ophelia:
He makes now funny noises! What is the diagnosis? Has he streptococcus of the sarcophagus?

Patient Othello:
(Hiccups.)

Dr. Hamlet:
Alas! Poor Hiccups! I'll cure him, Horatio!

Flourish. Exeunt.