This essay was originally written a few years ago in response to a thread on the "Web Page for Brian Wilson" message board regarding the meaning of the song "Wonderful". It's plainly about loss of innocence - or maybe "virginity" is a more accurate word here - but this was argued against by some. Many felt that the Beach Boys' music was very "spiritual".

Poppycock.

The Boys' music is very soulful and beautiful, but spiritual? Just because they recorded the Lord's Prayer doesn't make them spiritual. Hell, even their Christmas album only has one quasi-religious song on it. That's "We Three Kings", and it doesn't even mention "Jesus". It does mention "God" and refers to a "Babe", but, judging from their catalog, they'd much rather be singing about "babes".

Are the Beach Boys going to Hell? Not according to me. It wouldn't be heaven without the Beach Boys and their talented friends. The "Five People You Meet in Heaven" will probably be Brian, Carl, Dennis, Al and Mike.

But, according to the religious right, with their strictures and condemnations, the Beach Boys' music is very evil. Now, thanks to the resources at Web Page for Brian Wilson, I have researched all the songs that would insure that the Beach Boys are going to Hell.

And, Brian Wilson's still at it! His second-to-last album, Getting' in Over My Head, has a song called, "The Waltz", which contains the couplet, "She had a body you'd kill for/You hoped that she'd take the pill for." Van Dyke Parks wrote the lyrics, but they had to be approved by Brian, so they both better pack Bermuda shorts when they go, because they're a-goin' to Hell! Getting' in Over My Head is probably a metaphor celebrating his own damnation! ("Coffee break's over; everybody stand on your heads!")

Again, according to the religious right - not me, here are the naughty songs.

Let's start with the Ten Commandments:

1. I am the Lord thy God; thou shalt not have strange gods before me.

"He Come Down", in which Jesus, Maharishi, and Krishna are all lumped together. Other heathen songs include, "Transcendental Meditation", "The TM Song", "All This is That", "Let It Shine" (reincarnation), and "Heroes and Villains", ("Church of the American Indian"; Native Americans worshipped their gods outdoors in the environment.) "Everyone's in Love with You" (This should be about the Lord, but Mike actually wrote it about the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi.)

2. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.

"God Only Knows", "Pray for Surf", "Wonderful" ("God reached softly, and moved her body.")

3. Remember the Sabbath Day, to keep it holy.

"Sweet Sunday Kinda Love." They should be in Church on Sunday morning, not back home in bed making the beast with two backs. "Saturday Morning in the City" also qualifies here.

4. Honor thy Father and thy Mother.

"I'm Bugged at My Old Man", "Little Old Lady from Pasadena", "Hey, There, Mama!" "Papa Oom Mao Mao" (which might also celebrate Chinese Communism), "Fun Fun Fun".

5. Thou shalt not kill.

"Sumahama." (Celebrates suicide, which is self-murder.)

6. Thou shalt not commit adultery.

"Getcha Back", "A Thing or Two", "You Still Believe in Me."

7. Thou shalt not steal.

"Finders Keepers."

8. Thou shalt not bear false witness.

"That's Not Me", "Fun Fun Fun."

9. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's goods.

No songs that I could find. The boys seem pretty content when it comes to "stuff".

10. Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife.

"Getcha Back", "Little Girl I One Knew."

If we look at the seven deadly sins, it gets much worse.

Pride

"Be True to Your School", "Hang On to Your Ego."

Envy

See Commandment #9 above.

Gluttony

"Chug-a-lug", "Drive-In." "Bull Session with the Big Daddy", "Sloop John B." (Drunkenness)

Anger

"Here Today." "Sloop John B." (Fighting)

Greed

If the Boys are greedy, they haven't written any songs about it, that I can find.

Sloth

"It's Okay", "Busy Doin' Nothin'", "I Went to Sleep."

I saved Lust for last. That's my favorite sin. The Beach Boys' favorite, too, apparently. Before I get to the list for this one, I should note "Wouldn't It Be Nice" is about the frustrations of pre-marital teenage sex. Dennis' "San Miguel" refers to "Lookin' for the ladies of love." Marcella has an interesting line that is misquoted on the Cabinessence site as, "She's a bright girl." Not quite. Go back and listen, and you'll see that they're actually singing, "She's a fah, fah, fah, fah, fah, fah fine lay-ay!"

For the record, here are the Beach Boy songs that are blatantly about sex and lust:

"All Dressed Up for School", "All I Want To Do", "All I Wanna Do", "Aren't You Glad", "Be With Me", "California Girls", "Can't Wait Too Long", "Crack At Your Love", "Cuddle Up", "Darlin'", "Deirdre", "Do It Again", "Drive-In", "Farmer's Daughter", "Games Two Can Play", "Getcha Back", "Getting' Hungry", "Girl Don't Tell Me", The Girl From New York City", "Girls On the Beach", "Good To My Baby", "Good Vibrations", "Got To Know the Woman", "Help Me, Rhonda", "Here Comes the Night", "Hey. Little Tomboy", "I Get Around", "I Just Got My Pay", "I Wanna Pick You Up", "I'd Love Just Once to See You (in the Nude)", "I'll Bet He's Nice", "I'm Waiting for the Day", In My Car", "In the Parkin' Lot", "Island Girl", "It's Getting' Late", "Kiss Me Baby", "Kokomo", "Lady Lynda", "Lana", "Let Him Run Wild", "Let Us Go On This Way", "Little Miss America", "Little Girl I Once Knew", "Love is a Woman", "Love Surrounds Me", "Make It Big", "Make It Good", "Male Ego", "Marcella", "Meet Me In My Dreams Tonight", "Melt Away", "Mona", "Movies is Magic", "My Diane", "My Hobo Heart", "My Jeanine", "Never Learn Not to Love", "Night Time", "The Night Was So Young", "Oh Darlin", "Pitter Patter", "Please Let Me Wonder", "Pom-Pom Playgirl", "Rockin' the Man in the Boat", "Roller Skating Child", "San Miguel", "She Believes in Love Again", "She Knows Me Too Well", "She's Goin' Bald", "The Shift", "Slip On Through", "Slow Summer Dancin'", Some of Your Love", "Still Cruisin'", Strange Things Happen", "Summer in Monterey", "Summer Means New Love", "Summer of Love", "Sunshine", "Surfer Girl", "Sweet Sunday Kinda Love", "Then I Kissed Her", "There's So Many", "A Thing or Two", "Things We Did Last Summer", "This Song Wants to Sleep With You Tonight", "Time to Get Alone", "Walkin' the Line", "Wendy", "We're Together Again", "What's Wrong", "When a Man Needs a Woman", "Where I Belong", "Wild Honey", With Me Tonight", Wonderful", "Won'tcha Come Out Tonight", Wouldn't It Be Nice", "You and I", "You Still Believe in Me", and "You're So Good to Me."

There you have it; many, many, many secular songs about hedonism. However, there may be a chance for salvation.

It's common knowledge that the late Pope John Paul II (Karol Jozef Wojtyla) released an album of himself singing Polish folk songs.

What many people don't know is that he went into the studio in the mid-1990's to record a tribute album for California composer Brian Wilson. However, it was shelved because there was a flood across the street from the studio, and he was afraid all of Rome would be flooded if he released it.

However, with the new millennium came a change of heart. Earlier this year, the Holy See contacted Rhino Records about releasing this legendary album, which will be sold worldwide, and also in Vatican gift shops.

Entitled, "Karol, I Know: Da Songs of Brian Vilson", the album will be released early next month. John Paul II often expressed his wish that he should have been named after two of the Beach Boys ("Pope Brian Carl II"), instead of two of the Beatles.

"He was a big fan!" explained a Cardinal. "He knew that the Beach Boys were right in line with Catholic dogma. He really loved 'She's Got Rhythm' on the MIU album - after all, it was about the only acceptable form of birth control!"

The most amazing cut on the album is called "Bull Session With Big Daddy", where he prays for the Beach Boys and their co-writers, "except dat secular humanist, Wan Dyke Parks."

"He loved that California lifestyle. Not many people know he was quite the skateboarder," said a Vatican spokesman. "He used to take those steps in front of St. Peter's three at a time!"

The Pope's 1998 single of Beach Boys songs, honoring the Jews ("Friday Night" b/w "Saturday Morning in the City") will not be included.

The album will be a double disc set, with lots of never-before seen pictures of the Pope. The complete song list at press time:

Vouldn't It Be Nice
Angel Come Home
Chapel of Love
Don't Vorry Baby
Soulful Old Man Son Shine
God Only Knows
Little Saint Nick
She's Got Rhythm
Soul Searchin'
Son Shine
Varmth of Da Son
Vendy
Vhen I Grow Up
Vild Honey
Bull Session vith the "Big Deddy"

I don't know where the Beach Boys will spend eternity, and I don't know if the new Pope will record any of their songs. The latest rumor is that the Boys will get back together to record a song in honor of the spiritual leader of the world's Bhuddists. They're calling it, "Hello, Dali."