The true story of the secret war between Earth and Planet Molecue can finally be told. This is not science fiction; this is science fiction FACT! After the war, the world ulcer outbreak of 1988 forced World governments to spray the planet with amnesia gas. Almost everybody on the planet forgot about the war. All records of the war - newspapers, magazines, books - were confiscated and are now stored in the basement of the little-known Aaron Burr Institute for Bad Government, in Washington, DC.

I can't go into too much detail about my investigation. Suffice to say it involved midnight meetings in parking garages with disgruntled FBI agents, clandestine appointments in dark alleys with former White House aides, and visits to strip clubs. No stone was left unturned to uncover the conspiracy of silence.

In the early nineteen-eighties, a plethora of UFO sightings led to the amazing revelation that Earth was being observed by alien beings - intelligent dogs - from what we now know as "Planet Molecue". Planet Molecue follows Earth's orbit, but is directly on the other side of the sun. They had been watching us - and apparently laughing their heads off at us - for many years.

The leader of Planet Molecue was - and still is, for that matter - Otto Folecue, President and General Manager. He was just a has-been grade-B actor when he decided to enter politics. When he ran for president of Planet Molecue, he won by a landslide; an avalanche blocked the roads to the polls.

All Molecuvians are obsessed with the letter "O". Observers from Planet Molecue were under the mistaken impression that Earth was trying to contact Otto. The invention of Life Savers candy convinced them that we had made a candy in honor of Otto. The circular life preservers on the sides of cruise ships and at public pools seemed to be further evidence that were sending the "international sign of the 'O'."

Bagels, doughnuts, Cheerios, Froot Loops, inner tubes - every technical advancement made by humans - mistakenly interpreted.

It wasn't long before Otto made his existence known to planet Earth and arranged a visit. When he announced that he was going to visit Earth, news organizations the world over stampeded to be the first to interview him, to photograph him. The worst headline was probably this one: "Lotta Hoopla As Otto Follows Fellows!"

Here's a particularly cloying article from Time magazine that chronicles the landing of Otto:

"He promised his people, 'I will go to earth.' And, here he is. Charming us. Teaching us. Exciting us. Learning from us. Learning about us. Getting to know us.

"We're happy to have him. He's brought so much joy to us. We welcome him. If we had tails, we'd wag them. Welcome, Otto!"

The Newsweek article that reported the landing of Otto's advance team in Washington started this way:

"It was a quiet Saturday afternoon in the nation's capital. President Reagan was at Camp David, splitting logs. His beautiful wife Nancy was at home, cleaning her gun. And an alien space craft landed at Dulles International Airport."

Otto's landing was announced, and on the day of his arrival, dignitaries, crowds, and space buffs crowded the Mall in front of the Washington Monument. The Ku Klux Klan was there, picketing against "illegal aliens."

His Excellency appeared and waved from the doorway of his spacecraft. He threw kisses. "Greetings Earth people and United Staters! We come in peace!" Then, noticing the KKK members, he said, "I didn't know you had invited Martians to be here, too! Hello, Martians!" Then the band struck up, "You Ain't Nuthin' But a Hound Dog!"

At the White House banquet that night, after Otto finished part of his meal, he asked for a "people bag". Then, he taught the assorted guests and dignitaries the "Molecuvian Waltz".

And so, Otto continued to tour the planet. Everything was fine, until Hush-Hush magazine got photos of Otto sneaking out of a hotel in New York. "Otto's Love Crib!" screamed the headlines. It was true; Otto, the family pooch, was keeping a French Poodle mistress on the side.

Angered at being discovered, Otto declared war on planet Earth. His famous "Diving Dogs" squadron attacked the air space over New York City, "fetching" airliners from Newark, LaGuardia, and Kennedy Airports, and taking them to Teterboro Airport, out in New Jersey, which the Molecuvians had seized. The Diving Dogs' motto was, "Dogfight? Dogs Fight!"

When Planet Molecue's main warship arrived and began to orbit, Otto threatened that in 24 hours, he would bomb the planet. Newspapers across the planet heralded the end of the world. Obituaries for the human race were written.

Below is what the New York Times wrote:

OBITUARY

"Human Race (nee 'Mankind') of Planet Earth died yesterday, July 31, 1982 of burns suffered in a nuclear cataclysm. Except for their distant cousins, the cockroaches, there are no survivors.

"The human race was born million years ago in an unknown area of the globe, most likely, Central Africa. For centuries, it was known as, 'Mankind', but changed its name to 'Human Race' after requests from the National Organization for Women.

"The Human Race was most famous for populating the Earth and building most of its most fabulous wonders and artworks. It had wit, charm, and a sense of humor. It produced literary works, the likes of which have never been seen before or since.

"But there was a dark, suicidal side to the Race. It often did many bad things to Itself, and sometimes undid the wonderful things it had accomplished in the first place.

"The Human Race left no epitaph or final words."

It looked bad.

It was the gumption and wisdom of a rutabaga farmer from Ohio named "Huckleberry Jenkins" that saved Earth. By carefully studying Otto's planet and its denizens, Jenkins realized that Earth had something that Planet Molecue did not.

Fleas.

When Jenkins realized this, he jumped in his pick-up, with his prize hog, Ajax, and drove to Cape Canaveral, Florida, buying every flea circus he found along the way. Once at the space center, he commandeered a Shuttle, blasted off, and crash-landed on the Molecuvian warship. Once there, he let the fleas run rampant.

His only comment was, "I unloaded all them flea circus boxes in 'em! You shoulda seen all them Molecuvian technicians a-settin' and a-scratchin' their ears with their feet! Ajax, my pet hog, was a big help! He's one real smart pig! It would surprise me if he had his own planet one day, himself! Maybe, 'President Ajax of Planet Exlax'."

That's the story. As if the reproduction of these various artifacts isn't proof enough, below are some graphics from Planet Molecue's site on the OOTWWW (Out-of-this-world-wide web). Hopefully, this expose will force world leaders to do the right thing; admit there are extra-terrestrials.