Two radio stations in the New York area have been playing non-stop Christmas songs since Thanksgiving, and it’s fun tuning in and comparing the different versions of “Frosty the Snowman” and “Winter Wonderland.” Bing Crosby himself had more than one version of “White Christmas.” There was the Holiday Inn movie version, and he sang it at least twice in the movie, White Christmas. I’m sure he made more than one recording, too; there’s a version where he’s whistling in the middle!

Most of the Christmas music is a lot of fun, but there’s always the overly sentimental slop that some people put out – and many others buy – at Christmas. The worst I’ve heard came out over my car’s speakers a week ago, while I was zipping down the Jersey Turnpike, dodging trucks, buses, and other commuters while a heavy rain fell.

The song is called “Christmas Shoes”, and whoever wrote it used quite a lot of the clichés guaranteed to tug at your heart. It’s a got a little poor kid – I don’t know how the writer forgot to make him handicapped – a sick Mom dying of a mysterious fatal disease, Christmas. This song has its own website (with JavaScript falling snow), and was even a two hour television movie.

It also mentions Jesus; something that always puzzles me. All the world’s Christians venerate Him as the Son of God. Other faiths regard him as a prophet and holy man. Even secular humanists admire his philosophy. Why would someone put Him in a crass, commercial song?

“Christmas Shoes” joins the ranks of other audio kitsch gems. In the fifties, there was “Teen Angel” (“They buried you to-day-ay-ay!”). (“Teen Angel’s” clichés included a car wreck, and a high school ring.) In the seventies, there was the country-western hit, “Teddy Bear”, about a “po’ l’il ol’ cripple boy”, who liked to talk to truckers on his CB radio. The clichés in “Teddy Bear” included a widowed Mom, the aforementioned handicapped child, and about a hundred tough truckers with tender hearts.

In the sixties, there was “Honey”, about a young wife who dies too early. At one point in the song, she runs out to brush the snow off a little tree she has planted, and comes “running in, all excited.”  (Honey was one of the most simple-minded women in the annals of popular music.) When she slips, “and almost hurt herself”, the husband laughs ‘til he cries. (This is some relationship.) Clichés include the mysterious fatal disease, and a young husband left all alone, and “being good”, as he informs his late wife. Corny as hell, but a lot of fourteen-year-old girls bought copies at the time.

The story of “Christmas Shoes” goes like this: a fellow is waiting in line at the store during Christmas time. A dirty little boy is in front of him, holding a pair of shoes. It seems they’re “Christmas shoes” for Mom, who’s sick at home. She has to look good, because she might be going to meet Jesus real soon.

They’re the right size, but the kid doesn’t have enough cash to pay for them. The singer of the song decides to pay for the shoes for the kid, who gleefully says, “Thanks!” and runs home with them. The singer realizes the True Meaning of Christmas.

The song – probably intended as profound, comes off as maudlin and stupid. This type of nonsense has been around for decades. Mark Twain made fun of it in Huckleberry Finn:

ODE TO STEPHEN DOWLING BOTS, DEC'D

And did young Stephen sicken, And did young Stephen die?
And did the sad hearts thicken, And did the mourners cry?

No; such was not the fate of Young Stephen Dowling Bots;
Though sad hearts round him thickened, 'Twas not from sickness' shots.

No whooping-cough did rack his frame, Nor measles drear with spots;
Not these impaired the sacred name Of Stephen Dowling Bots.

Despised love struck not with woe That head of curly knots,
Nor stomach troubles laid him low, Young Stephen Dowling Bots.

O no.  Then list with tearful eye, Whilst I his fate do tell.
His soul did from this cold world fly By falling down a well.

They got him out and emptied him; Alas it was too late;
His spirit was gone for to sport aloft In the realms of the good and great.

Twain parodies the sentimental poems of the Gilded Age quite well; I’m sure he would have been tickled pink with “Christmas Shoes.” Putting aside the sloppy sentiments, the song makes no sense. Why is it so important that Mom wear shoes to meet her Maker? Wouldn’t a smart pair of earrings be more chic? Maybe, a religious medal? A gold cross, perhaps. But, shoes?

The last stanza ends with this couplet: “I knew that God had sent that little boy/To remind me, what Christmas is all about.” This statement comes directly from what I like to call the “Whitney Houston School of Theology.” Every time she ever won a music award, Ms. Houston would end her acceptance speech by thanking, “my Lord and Savior, for being better to me than I am to myself.” Of course, Whitney; God took off some time from running the universe to make sure that you won a Grammy. He’s got His priorities straight.

And, in the “Christmas Shoes” song, God still works in mysterious ways. This man had forgotten what Christmas was all about, so God made that Mom fatally ill, ran her family into debt with medical bills, and broke the hearts of her son and husband, just to remind the singer about the real meaning of Christmas.

Personally, I find “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” more compelling. It’s got some of the best clichés; Christmas; an elderly, frail relative; a horrible traffic accident; and a cooked goose. It’s certainly better written and performed than “Christmas Shoes”, and the singer sounds a lot more sincere.

Now, there’s a television movie I’d watch, gladly.